Biathlon at the Movies!

popcorn

We all need something to fill in the time between Christmas and New Year when there is no biathlon. Last year I brought you an exclusive interview with biathlon rifle Reginald P.Rifle and this year I was hoping to talk to ski poles Marek and Justyna but they were too busy! So instead I bring you some reviews of “biathlon” related films so you can fill in the time before the next event in Ruhpolding! It’s biathlon so all ratings are in Crystal Globes not stars. Get your popcorn ready people!!!

Top Gun:

Martin Fourcade stars as Maverick who gets his chance in the top rifle school in California ‘Top Gun’. His main rival is Iceman played by Emil Hegle Svendsen. Unfortunately in target practice Martin accidentally kills a goose and loses his confidence. However after a slow motion game of volleyball he seems to recover and in the final scene manages to team up with Emil to shoot at baddies. They become best of friends and in fact go on a date together in a helicopter!

Biathlon 23: “Top entertainment!” Rating: 5 Globes

Hot Shots:

A documentary about biathletes and their shooting skills. Highlights include biathletes shooting in the prone position and the standing position. They shoot at targets 50 metres away on what is known as “a range”. Sometimes they hit these targets and sometimes they miss. Watch out for some reloading action and cartridges falling onto the mats. There is also a great behind the scenes feature about cleaning a rifle, choosing a fancy design for the stock and placement of stickers.

Biathlon23: “Unmissable” Rating: 5 targets – sorry I mean Globes!

Hot Shots Part Deux:

You might think that this is the sequel to Hot Shots but it is in fact a remake. It turns out that the French biathlon team thought they were not featured enough in the original and decided to make their own version. A more avant-garde piece in black and white. In French with French subtitles. An Antonin Guigonnat production. Director: Quentin “Tarantino” Maillet.

Biathlon 23: “Magnifique!” Rating:Cinq Globes

The Man with the Golden Gun:

Simon Fourcade makes his second appearance as James Bond in this spy thriller. The villain is played by Johannes Thingnes Bø who with his golden rifle is terrorising the world of biathlon. His obsession with all things gold means he is out to steal all the gold medals from the biathletes. There is a car chase, a martini, a few ladies and some gadgets! What else do you want?!!! (Set in Season 2014/15 before “someone” changed their rifle from gold to shocking pink!!!)

Biathlon23: “Great action” Daniel Craig: “Better than Spectre!”
Rating: After 5 martinis 5 Globes

Mad Maxes: Fury Range

In a post nuclear holocaust future Maxim Braun, Maxim Tsvetkov, Maksim Ramanouski, Maksim Varabei, Maxim Savitsky, Maksym Ivko, Max Durtschi and Macx Davies have to find all the bullets left on Earth (well in the desert somewhere!). When they have found them all they must return to the shooting range and hit all the targets to save the world!

Biathlon23: “Max-imum fun!” Rating: 5 Globes

RamBø:

Norwegian veteran and drifter Tarjei Bø wanders into a small Washington town in search of an old friend Tora Berger, but is met with intolerance and brutality by the local sheriff. When he and his deputies restrain and shave RamBø, he flashes back to season 2011/12 when he suffered from Twar virus and unleashes his fury on the officers. He narrowly escapes the manhunt, but it will take his former commander Lars Berger to save the hunters from the hunted.

Biathlon23: “UnBølievable!” Rating: 5 Globes

Harry Potter and the Wax Cabin of Secrets:

Nathan Smith makes his debut in the first film about the boy who grows up to be a wizard at biathlon. Here he teams up with his uncle Sirius Fak to try and defeat the master of the dark arts Beatrix Lestrange. Beatrix has stolen the secret wax formula from Potter and threatens to use it to win all the biathlon races beginning with the Mass Start in Pokljuka. Will Potts be able to stop him?

Biathlon23: “It’s magic!” Rating: 5 Globes

There’s Something About Marie:

A biography of French star Marie Dorin Habert. From her childhood to the present dealing with biathlon, marriage, having a child, playing the piano, horse riding and cherries. Everything you need to know about Marie. And the one thing you really need to know…please never offer her any “hair gel”!!!

Biathlon23: “A-dor-able!” Rating: 5 Globes

No Cross Country for Old Men:

While out cross country skiing, Ole Einar Bjoerndalen finds the grisly aftermath of a drug deal. Though he knows better, he cannot resist the cash left behind and takes it with him possibly to buy an even bigger motor home with. The hunter becomes the hunted when a merciless killer picks up his trail. Also looking for Bjoerndalen is Sheriff Daniel Mesotitsch, an aging lawman who reflects on a changing world and a dark secret of his own, as he tries to find and protect Bjoerndalen.

Biathlon23: “Great but a bit “old” fashioned!” Rating: 5 Globes

The Shooter:

Tobias Arwidson reluctantly leaves a self-imposed exile from his isolated mountain home in Sweden at the request of the IBU, who appeal to him to help track down an assassin who is planning to shoot the IBU president. He is set up by the IBU (saw that coming!) and is chased around a bit before he takes his revenge and returns to Lima to fish and take some photographs.

Biathlon23:”Definitely a hit!” Rating: 5 Globes

Sister Act:

When 3 young sisters witness a mafia hit(by someone who looks suspiciously like Dominik Windisch!) they are sent to a convent where they are to be disguised as nuns. Starting Selina, Elisa and Aita Gasparin, the sisters fit in by teaching the nuns how to do biathlon. They take part in a competition at the end with all the nuns and so they can defend themselves from the mafia!

Biathlon23: “N-unmissable!” Rating: 5 Globes

The Usual Suspects:

“The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world she wasn’t going to win the Crystal Globe.” The film starts with the retelling of the 2014/15 Women’s biathlon season. It stars Darya Domracheva, Valj Semerenko, Veronika Vitkova and Franziska Hildebrand. They each explain how they got caught up in the race for the Overall Title by a mysterious Kaisa Söze. No one knows who this Kaisa is but some say she had won the Crystal Globe in the past. None of them has met her before but everyone thinks she is going to win the Total Score! I don’t want to spoil the end but it turns out that it was Darya Domracheva the whole time!!!

Biathlon23: “I didn’t understand it either!” Rating: 5 confusing Globes!

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